Almost 5000 words. It took me months to finish this. I thought I had it finished before, but it didn't feel right. So it sat and sat and sat, and I'd come back to it every so often, until I finished it. It still doesn't feel completely right at the very, very end, but I know that's where it's supposed to end, if not in so many words.
So yeah. This would be in the sequel to the first novel I wrote.
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"Come on," Doe pleaded. "It's just one night. Jared and I want to go out with you guys before you have to leave again."
I took a deep breath and looked out the passenger side window, watching the trees pass. "I don't know. That's just..." I trailed off, not sure how to finish that statement.
"I know," she answered quietly. "If you really don't want to go, you don't have to."
She did know. I'd told her about everything that had gone on between Andrew and I while they had been away. All of it. Even the stuff that I didn't want to remember, because I knew that she needed to know. She had to understand why things were the way they were.
I sighed again. This was Doe. And Jared. And we didn't know if we'd ever see them again after we left.
"Okay," I told her. "I'll go."
"You don't - "
"I'll go."
Her smile made me happy and sick all at the same time.
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"Ready?" Doe poked her head into the bathroom behind me.
I looked at her in the mirror. Her blond hair was curled, falling loosely around her shoulders, blue eyes played up with shades of brown eyeshadow, and her lips were pink and shiny. She was gorgeous. I had known that when we were in the academy together, but because we hadn't worn makeup or anything but workout clothing, it was never that obvious. Now, her hair and makeup coupled with her long silvery top and dark wash jeans made her look like a model.
"Well?" She quirked her head and gave me a teasing smile.
"Right," I answered, snapping out of my funk. "Yeah, I'm ready."
I turned from the mirror and she smiled approvingly. "You look great."
"Thanks," I answered, flipping off the light and following her into the living room. "You look amazing too."
"Thank you!" she chirped, dancing into the foyer and twirling into Jared's outstretched arms.
He chuckled and kissed her chastely. "Let's go," her husband said.
As Doe ran for her cell phone, I let my gaze wander to where Andrew stood. My breathing hitched. He was leaning against the wall, hands jammed in his pockets, eyes cast down at the floor. He was dressed in dark denim, worn boots, and a classic plaid western shirt in gray and blue with pearl snaps. It was fitted perfectly across his broad shoulders and chest, tapering in at his hips and waist, with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. A black felt cowboy hat rested easily on his head, his dark curls peeking out from under the edges. I swallowed hard. He was a chameleon. He adapted so easily to any situation; despite growing up in the north, Andrew looked like a southern native. A goddamn arrogant, sexy, son-of-a-bitch southerner. I hated him for it. But I couldn't stop staring.
His gray eyes, even more prominent that usual because of the color of his shirt, flickered up and caught mine. He gave me an indecipherable look before straightening up.
"Shall we go?"
"Um, sure."
It took a monumental effort to get my tongue to form the words. He strode through the front door and I trailed after him, trying not to admire his ass, and closed it behind us.
-------------------------------------------------------
Doe gave me a look. I nodded. Her smile damn near split her face in two.
"Don't kill each other," Jared joked, taking Doe's hand and whisking her towards the dance floor.
I tried to smile at his jab, but all I could manage was a slight grimace so I just slid into a tall chair at an empty table and watched as Jared and Doe twirled around the dance floor. They were so cute together, Doe's blond hair bouncing and Jared's dark eyes focused only on her. The twangy, old-timey, country song was replaced by a more modern song that I'd heard a couple times on the radio.
"Excuse me, ma'am."
Someone touched my elbow, and I turned to find a blonde man, not much taller than me, and stocky.
"Yes?"
"Would you like dance?"
I glanced towards the floor and then back at the man. "I don't -"
"No, she doesn't want to dance with you."
Andrew had appeared at my shoulder. The man glanced up at Andrew, gave me a slightly frightened look, and then turned tail and ran.
As soon as he was gone, I spun on Andrew. "What makes you think that you can just make my decisions?" I demanded.
His face didn't betray what he was thinking as he answered. "You didn't want to dance with him."
"That's not the point!" I was furious. "Why do you -"
"Dance with me."
"What?"
He nodded towards the dance floor. "Dance with me."
My anger was suddenly replaced with confusion. Talk about mental whiplash. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about one dance. With me. Dance with me."
My mouth opened slowly as I tried to contemplate an answer, but I couldn't formulate a coherent thought. Andrew took that as an acceptance and grabbed my hand. I let him lead me to the dance floor where he took my right hand in his and laid his other on my waist.
I still wasn't thinking straight as we two-stepped across the floor, easily avoiding other dancing couples, and keeping perfect rhythm together. What was I doing dancing with Andrew? We were still in a strange and awkward stage of our non-relationship, and now here I was dancing with him. In a bar. This wasn't right. This wasn't right at all. But I could last for one song, and after it was over, I would be home free. I could make a break for the bathroom or something, tell Doe I was sick, and bow out early. Easy. Simple.
Halfway across the floor, another couple cut in front of us. Andrew tugged me tightly against himself, slipping us nimbly between them and another couple, and emerging on the other side still on beat. As we kept dancing, I realized Andrew hadn't loosened his grip on me. We were pressed together, my arm slipped under his to grasp his shoulder, his arm wrapped firmly around my waist and our bodies tight. My head rested easily against his shoulder, tucked down under his chin.
I realized it had been a long time since I'd been this close with him. Or with any guy. And I had missed it. I had missed it desperately.
We continued to move together until the song ended and another one started. This one was slow. I was sure that Andrew wouldn't -
He slowed our pace and didn't let me go.
I needed to get away. My feelings were getting dangerous and I was trying to stamp them out, but it wasn't working very well.
"Andrew?"
"Hmm?"
His chest vibrated with the hum and I couldn't stop the contented sight that escaped. I had forgotten how much I liked this. I liked the feel of his body against mine; the solidity of his chest, the strength in his arms, and his smell. Oh hell, I loved his scent, that heady, outdoorsy fragrance, mixed with whatever kind of cologne he wore nowadays...it was intoxicating. I pressed my face into his chest and took a deep breath.
"Kacey?"
I jumped. "Yeah?"
"Were you going to say something?"
Oh yeah. I was going to, but all thoughts had disappeared after one big whiff of him. I felt like I'd been sniffing rubber cement. My head was slightly woozy and I wasn't aware of whatever my feet were doing...
"Kace?"
"Huh?"
"You're spacey tonight."
"Just around you," I answered automatically.
He took a moment before answering and in that moment I realized what I had done. Shit.
"Is that a bad thing?"
Good question. I wasn't sure whether it was or not, so I didn't answer. I wondered if he would pursue the question, but it was a stupid train of thought. Andrew wouldn't push me to answer it; not since he knew that if we did go down that road, we might never speak again, which would be very detrimental to our job. So I let myself settle into his embrace, as he settled into holding me as we swayed gently and barely moved. As the song crescendo-ed towards the end, I was struck by a thought - an answer to his question.
I shoved away from him, stumbling a step backwards and jostling the couple behind me. They fixed me with nasty looks, which I ignored.
"Yes."
Andrew shot me a look. "Yes what?"
"Yes, it's a bad thing." I took a couple steps backwards, narrowly avoiding hitting another couple.
"Why?"
I frowned. "We're not having this conversation here."
People had started to notice that something was going on with us and were sneaking quick and obvious glances as they passed. I turned, stepped around a couple making out and oblivious to Andrew and I and our mini-drama, and made a beeline for the bathroom.
Andrew's hand grabbed my elbow before I reached it. "We may not be having it on the dance floor, but we're damn well hashing this shit out tonight."
"No, we're not."
His eyes narrowed dangerously and I jutted my chin up in defiance. His grip on my elbow tightened.
"I will make a scene," I warned. "Let go of me."
"You won't and I won't. We're going to talk about this now. Let's go."
He gave a sharp tug on my elbow and half dragged me out of the bar and into the parking lot. The night was still warm, but the breeze was cool. It felt good after being crammed inside with so much body heat.
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"You know what I'm talking about!" he snapped, freeing my arm. "Answer my question."
"Because it is."
"Not good enough."
I crossed my arms and shifted my weight to one leg, jutting a hip out. "This is a dumb conversation. It was a stupid question."
"Fine, then answer this one: what's your problem?"
I flung my hands out. "Who says I've got a problem? What if it's you who's got the problem?"
I was acting childishly. I knew that I was, but I couldn't stop it. Something about our situation, about him, made me revert to petty antics. I couldn't deal with this on an adult level and I had no idea why.
Andrew stepped forward, ignoring my irrationality, his eyes hard. "I don't have the problem."
"How do you know?" I growled.
He stepped even closer. "Because," he told me shortly, "I can act my age."
I didn't have an answer for that. Somehow 'I know you are, but what am I?' and 'I am rubber, you are glue' wouldn't suffice as legitimate responses. So I kept my mouth shut.
"Why is it that our relationship reduces you to a ten year old? Why can we not have a rational discussion about this?"
I swallowed hard and crossed my arms, shifting my weight from foot to foot impatiently. Andrew grabbed my shoulders to still my movement.
"Kacey."
Andrew frowned deeply, his eyes narrowed.
"Why can't you deal with this?"
His grip tightened as I finally managed an answer. "Because I don't know how to deal with it."
"Deal with what?"
My shoulders shifted under his hands, but he wouldn't let go. "With all of it," I mumbled.
"All of what?" Andrew demanded, dropping his grip on me. He snatched the hat off his head and ran a rough hand through his curls as his eyes dropped to the ground.
The words came. They flowed from somewhere that I didn't know existed, from somewhere that held all the answers. The truth tumbled out before I could stop it. "The lurch in my stomach, the pounding in my chest, the feeling like I can't breathe, that itching, tingling sensation under my skin, the ache in my fingers and joints..." Andrew looked up as I continued to speak. "I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what to do with what I feel when you're around. You drive me out of my mind and -"
His lips hit mine hard. I gasped against his mouth and he answered by wrapping an arm around my waist and pulling me close. He was firm and demanding, but his lips were soft. He kissed me once and then twice before pulling away just a hair's breadth. I wound my arms around his neck. The bottom of his hat pressed against my back.
"I don't know how to deal with it," I breathed, my eyes dropping closed as our foreheads touched.
Andrew's fingers brushed a few strands of hair out of my face and behind my ear before stilling under my ear, his thumb tracing softly back and forth across my cheek. "Then let me teach you," he answered, his breath fanning faintly across my face.
"Okay." I leaned up, trying to touch my lips to his again, but he pulled back just enough to keep me at bay.
"Shh..."
Andrew leaned back in, softly kissing the corner of my mouth, and then kissing the other side. He held me still as my heart thundered hard in my chest and my breathing went shallower. "Andrew..."
"Hmm?"
"Not here?"
He dropped me suddenly and stepped away. "Come on."
I nodded. Andrew grasped my hand and tugged me with him. I followed willingly as we headed back towards Jared and Doe's vehicle. My body buzzed with electricity from our contact and my lips were still burning...
Their Jeep came into view. We slid between the Jeep and someone's oversized monstrosity. Andrew grabbed my waist and spun me fast, pushing me back into Jeep. I reached for him as he leaned closer.
"Ready to go?"
Jared's voice caused both of us to jump back. Jared was heading our way. Doe trailed behind him.
"Not interrupting anything are we?"
Doe's voice had an uneasy edge to it. I realized she thought we were fighting.
"No, nothing," Andrew answered. "We're ready to go if you are."
Jared and Doe nodded, though Doe still didn't look convinced. All four of us clambered into the Jeep and Jared pointed it towards home.
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When we got home, Jared and Doe bid us both goodnight and headed into their bedroom, leaving Andrew and I standing slightly awkwardly in the living room.
"So..." I murmured, my heart pounding hard in my chest.
"Is it still there?"
"Is what there?"
"All of it."
My chest tightened. "Yeah."
"Okay then."
Andrew crossed the room swiftly, tossing his hat aside, where it landed on the sofa, and grabbed me around the waist. He urged me backwards, pushing me towards the hallway. We made it around the corner before he twisted us ninety degrees and backed me into the wall. I was briefly prepared to be angry, but Andrew's lips found mine and all my previous considerations flew out the window. He pressed his body tight against mine as he kissed me hard, his lips insistent, and the fingertips of his left hand touching my cheek softly.
I felt like my body was attached to a live wire. Electricity hummed through my veins, igniting the rest of my body and allowing a heat to build deep in the pit of my stomach. I grabbed at his jeans, slipping my fingers into his belt loops to hold him tight. Andrew's lips broke from mine, allowing me a gasp of oxygen that I hadn't realized I needed. I took a couple deep breaths before the feel of his lips of my neck startled me. One of my hands flew to the middle of his chest, where my fingers hooked into the v of his shirt neck. He nipped softly at the juncture where my neck flowed into my shoulder and I shivered, tugging at his shirt. The first couple pearl snaps popped open revealing the soft, bronzed skin stretched over his chest.
"Come on," he growled, bending down just enough to swing an arm under my butt and lift me from the ground.
My legs wound around his waist as carried me towards the back of the hallway. I wasn't paying attention to where we were headed because I was too focused on pressing hot, damp kisses down his jaw, across the day's worth of stubble on his face, to his neck. One of my hands had found its way into his hair and twisted tightly in the dark curls. I tugged a bit to get him to tip his head back and he obliged as best he could, allowing my mouth to continue its path downwards.
Andrew stumbled into his bedroom with me and kicked the door shut. I jerked open the last few snaps on his shirt and pressed my hand against the hard muscles in his abdomen. They contracted at my touch and I heard him groan low in his throat as my hand traveled higher, over his solid pectorals.
"Cut it out, woman," he grumbled as we collapsed into bed together.
"Not a chance," I muttered.
We both scrambled into the middle of the bed, our legs tangled together, lips still attached, Andrew's fingers making quick work of my button down shirt, and my hands divesting him of his shirt completely.
"Jesus Christ," he breathed as I heard my shirt flutter to the ground somewhere behind him.
Our limbs were still knotted together but he had pulled back a little bit to look at me. The room was dark and I couldn't make out more than his eyes, nose, and lips in the darkness, but it didn't matter. He freed his right hand from where it had been tangled in my hair at the back of my head and used it to push a few strands of hair out of my eyes.
"Andrew?" I whispered, not sure what had suddenly come over him.
Andrew didn't answer. His eyes led his hand down my body, skimming over my bare shoulder, to my arm and my waist, settling softly on my hip. Goose bumps spread across my skin everywhere that he touched me. Another few moments passed and then he lifted his hand, crooked a finger under my chin, and drew me in for another kiss. But this one was different; oh hell, was this one different.
It was gentle and tentative, less demanding and more needy than his previous ones. Desperate even. I let him lead, his tongue nowhere near my mouth now, just his lips, as he kissed me chastely. But despite the lack of tongue, and the seeming innocence, there was a definite not-so-innocent undertone to it. The hand that had left my hip returned to it, tracing down and around to the back of my thigh, where he found my knee and tugged, hooking my leg up over his hip. He rolled over until he was on top, my leg still wrapped around his hip, but now we were pressed together in ways that we'd never been before and dear God, is that what real desire felt like?
Our mouths parted and I gasped for breath, my heart thudding hard against my ribcage. My breathing was shallow and quick, slightly ragged, an obvious sign of my arousal. Andrew's breathing was deeper, more controlled, but the slight quaking of his body and thrumming of his pulse in his neck betrayed his true state. He shifted a bit on me, his hips grinding into mine, and a shot of electricity raced through my body, curling my toes, and sending my eyes rolling back into my head. When my vision returned, Andrew was staring at me through the darkness. I flashed him a brief smile before thrusting my hips into his and returning the favor.
I watched Andrew's eyes, almost black in the shadows, roll back into his head as a strangled moan left his chest. When he regained his composure, he wasted no time in pulling away, off my body. He straddled my thighs, bent over enough that he could press feather light kisses to my bare stomach. The stubble on his jaw tickled and scratched the more sensitive skin on my torso, so I wriggled under him, giggling. Andrew smiled too and let the prickly feathers on his face trail up my stomach to my sternum and between my breasts. I squealed. Andrew pulled back, his smile still spread across his gorgeous lips, and then laughed. He let himself fall sideways, landing softly beside me, and continued to laugh as I rolled over to face him.
His eyes sparkled with a playfulness that I'd never seen before and the upturn of his lips reached all the way to the corners of his eyes where small crows' feet were starting. I returned his smile as he stretched out on his side, facing me. I toyed with the thin layer of dark hair spread across his chest.
"We're not having sex tonight, are we?" he asked quietly.
I flushed. "I don't... I mean..."
"I'm not saying you don't want to, I'm just implying that maybe it would be better to wait. God knows, if you felt half of what I felt - still feel - then there's no doubt you'd like to rip the rest of my clothes off and go at it like rabbits."
I chuckled, not able to help myself. "It's just a really good thing that we have self control."
Andrew laid his hand over where mine was still on his chest. I looked up and met his gaze through the darkness.
"You test the very outer reaches of my self control. Another one of those..." he let go of my hand briefly to wave towards my lower body, presumably in reference to my hip thrust, "and there would be an entirely different type of talking going on right now."
Was Andrew being playful? I'd never seen him so much as crack a joke and now we were almost bantering while we laid in bed. Together. Half-naked. As he grinned like a fool. But foolish or not, that smile did awful and wonderful things to my stomach.
Andrew tugged on my hand and I moved closer.
"Turn over," he murmured.
My smile was teasing. "Are we really going to spoon like - "
"Shut up and turn over before I turn you over myself."
I did as I was told. Andrew's arm slipped easily around me, while his other one slid under my head and pillow. He let out a sigh that made the skin of the back of my neck tingle and then pulled me even closer, pressing his chest, that wonderfully solid, beautifully sculpted chest against my bare back. One of his legs found its way between mine.
Something deep inside me seemed to come alive at our position. It filled me with warmth and reassurance that this was where I belonged. This was where I belonged from day one. We fit together like the only two pieces of a puzzle, and his large, protecting presence behind me was welcomed. For the first time in a very long time I wasn't worried about my back because someone else had it for me.
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I slept more soundly than I had in years. When my eyes finally opened again, they were slightly crusty, and my body felt like it weighed a ton. But I was comfortable. The heaviness in my limbs wasn't fatigue this time, or illness, it was contentment. So for a few moments I closed my eyes again and just let myself rest, something that I had fought against since I was shoved into the foster system, knowing that rest allowed vulnerability, and vulnerability was something that I couldn't afford.
Andrew was still asleep when I woke up. He was on his stomach, his arms under the pillow where his head rested, with the blankets shoved down to his waist. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and watched his back rise and fall steadily for a few moments before climbing out of bed and rooting around to find a shirt. I found Andrew's button up from yesterday and tugged it on. It fell softly down to the middle of my thighs, appearing much like a short dress. The only pants I had access to were my jeans, so instead I pushed open the door quietly and peered down the all.
The house was silent minus a few sounds of movement from the kitchen. As someone started to hum, I realized it was Doe. She wouldn't care whether I was wearing pants or not. Strangely enough, my socks had survived the clothing removal, so I padded softly down the carpeted hall, through the living room, and into the kitchen where Doe was making breakfast.
"Morning," I said quietly.
"Morning," Doe answered cheerfully, her back to me as she cooked bacon in a skillet.
I leaned against the counter as she finished cooking the bacon and then turned to face me. Her eyebrows rose as she considered my attire.
"We didn't sleep - well, we did sleep together, but we didn't have sex," I answered.
"I wasn't going -"
"Your look said it all."
Her smile was genuine. "Good, because it would have been a stupid move after y'all's fight last night."
"What fi -"I sighed. "Andrew and I weren't fighting last night. Well, we started out fighting, but when you guys found us we were..."
I waved my hand as I trailed off, hoping that would satisfy her. No such luck.
"You were what?"
A blush rose in my cheeks. "We were making out."
The expression on her face was hard to place. A combination of smugness, surprise, and maybe a touch of glee. After a couple seconds though, it settled into a smile again. "Well good for y'all."
I shrugged.
"Morning."
We both looked towards the doorway to see Andrew. His curls were tousled, the result of bed head and my fingers in the early hours of the morning, and his eyes and face were still slightly puffy with sleep. "Where's Jared?"
Doe nodded towards the back of the house. "He's getting ready to go for a run. I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you wanted to join him."
Andrew scratched at the back of his head and the corners of his mouth tipped up. "Maybe I will."
A swift and mildly awkward silence fell as Andrew's gaze shifted to me. I met it and for several moments neither of us said anything. His face was impossible to read. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Doe pointedly look away and then I heard her turn on the water, intent on suddenly washing the dishes from this morning's bacon expedition.
Andrew took a couple steps toward me and I met him halfway. His head cocked sideways a bit as he watched me and his fingertips pushed the hair out of my eyes.
"Are we okay?" he asked.
He sounded almost worried, as if I was going to claim that it had all been a mistake and we shouldn't repeat it. And maybe he was right to be worried. At any other point, in any other place, and with any other people, that's probably exactly what I would have done. But something about the safety of Doe and Jared's home, and their support of our relationship, kept me from saying those damaging words. Instead, I nodded slowly.
"Yeah," I told him quietly. "We're great."
The smile I had seen last night returned, tempered slightly by the fact that he wasn't fully awake yet. "Good."
He bent his head down and I leaned up until our lips met just briefly. It was quick and soft, but I swore the kitchen spun a bit when he straightened up. Andrew nodded at me and started toward the doorway. Halfway there, he paused, spun back around, and then strode back over to me. He wrapped an arm tight around my waist, used his other hand to cup my head, and placed a deep and gut wrenching kiss to my lips that left me feeling like I'd been hit by lightning.
"See you in a bit," he whispered before letting me go and leaving the kitchen.
The water shut off suddenly and I looked over to find Doe leaning against the counter, her arms crossed and smiling. Her eyes drifted over my shoulder and I glanced behind me to find Jared in the doorway. He had Kelly in his arms and a soft smile on his face.
"Congrats," he murmured softly. "You two belong together."
"Thanks," I answered awkwardly, not sure what the appropriate response was.
"You're welcome."
And just like that, the moment was broken. Jared entered the kitchen fully, dropped Kelly into her booster seat, and then approached Doe for his morning kiss. All was back to normal in the Bear household, and maybe just a little more right.
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